Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
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*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
dam girl
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo