Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
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PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish