it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
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Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.