[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
You Might Also Like
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.