One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
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My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Me, reading some of your tweets
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”