The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
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[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”