A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
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I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded