Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
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Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…