WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
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Never go to sleep after making me angry
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target