If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
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“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?