WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
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I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?