If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
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I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Name another movie that mislead you?