I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
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Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?