Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
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There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.