Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
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Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving