Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
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*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.