LMAO.
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jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.