My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
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Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Here’s a meme
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.