Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
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Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok