Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
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My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
I can’t deal with men any longer
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.