This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
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I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
#Caturday
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Why I divorced her.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
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