my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
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idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.