[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
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my mind
You just read my mind
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched