WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
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technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
multitasking lunch
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?