Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
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My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
scrabbled eggs
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.