9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
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I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.