When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
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i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
“What?”
– Jude
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.