Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
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you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”