there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
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Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.