Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
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Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.