Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
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( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
What
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )