If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
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Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!