Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
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My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song