Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
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do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.