“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
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If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
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*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio