[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
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The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Hello Twits.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.