Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
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Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming