Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it ๐๐ญ๐๐ญ
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Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Miscakes
{me trying to sound cool in front of my sonโs friends} โsup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Zumba instructor: Iโm thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Free him
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
a โsuggestedโ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Letโs do it together.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
normalize having existential bread
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; youโre my couch.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
snake: iโm poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isnโt much of a concern to me! If you were venomous howeverโ
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Iโm a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her Iโve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding โfor your ageโ after โyou look greatโ
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times