Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
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I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.