You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
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any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls