When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
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I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
This is hilarious….
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u