I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
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I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
not to brag, but mine was free
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.