Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
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My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately