Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
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[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Worth remembering.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.