As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
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“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Sharon I have some bad news
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.