What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
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David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Note to self: I am a note
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books