Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
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Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
I beg your pardon?
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
*seductively corrects your posture*
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
A small tragedy.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with