I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
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I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”