Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
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My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
What
Smallpox sounds so adorable
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.