Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
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Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
british sex workers really pound for pound
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.